Uncle Reyn, Pt. 2

Part 1

It's been almost five months since I found out my uncle was dead.

I still have the funeral pamphlet on my mirror, and I cry about his death at least once a week.

I've tried to take the pamphlet down, but that somehow feels disrespectful.  I feel like I should be healed by now, but then I remember that grieving is a personal process.  It may never be over.

I think the worst part is that nagging feeling that I should've done something.  I mean, technically, we're still not sure (or maybe we just don't want to be sure) that it was actually suicide, but let's just assume it was.  Because, frankly, the signs were all there, and this is what I want to talk about.

"Hindsight is 20/20."  This means that, when looking back at something, it all suddenly seems so clear.  And we think to ourselves, If I had only picked up on that one thing, I could've fixed everything.  Perhaps, but what good does that do, to beat ourselves up for not seeing something at the time?  It does no good, none.

But that's what I've been doing.  I've been chewing myself out, imaging scenario after scenario of me stepping in at that crucial moment, making sure my uncle got the help he needed, or convincing him not to do it, or telling the family so they could help, too...and saving his life.  Except that I didn't.  I don't know whether I really didn't see, or I didn't want to see, but looking back, the signs were there.  I remember being worried about him, that he was downing those glasses of wine pretty quickly, losing weight too much too fast, going grayer than seemed right, wringing his hands almost constantly, saying things like, "I have no purpose."

That sentence still echoes in my head whenever I think about Christmas 2013, when he said it, the last time we saw him alive.  I can see every single sign so clearly, and could then, but something in me thought he'd never go that far, never really follow through.

My point is this: DO NOT ignore those signs.  If you see someone acting strangely, depressed, distraught, etc., do not assume that they won't do anything.  I've been there, too, and I can tell you the feelings of hopelessness, uselessness, and loneliness can get so overwhelming sometimes...it's difficult to keep my head above water.  Even when I think of the ones I love, and the ones who love me, death just sounds like such a peaceful thing.  I'm fortunate enough to have people to talk to and to know that I should talk to them, but not everyone will reach out.

However, they will often give hints.  I think that's a subconscious thing, their mind trying to save them indirectly, but whatever it is, you have to pay attention.  Don't assume that just because "they don't seem that depressed," they aren't dying inside.  It's better to make the effort, and be wrong, then to not reach out, and be too late.

Be aware.  Take action.  Save a life.